Addie: Vardaman's Fish

To me, the most central motif in William Faulkner’s As I Lay Dying is Vardaman’s fish, that he later goes to equate with his mother. Vardaman, being such a young child in the book, likely has never faced such immense grief that would come with the death of a parent or someone near to him. With a lack of experience processing grief, Vardaman’s response to his mother's death may be unorthodox at times, but his connection to the fish as the story goes on is essential to understanding his acceptance. The fish is brought up numerous times, at first with not such an obvious connection to Addie, but as the story goes on the association between Addie and Vardaman’s fish grows to a point in which the reader, too, mentally connects the two. 

Vardaman crosses paths with the fish prior to his mother's death, but as she was actively passing away. The connection in time and place for Vardaman tethered the two together in his mind. When Vardaman first brought the fish home, Vernon observes the two as “Vardaman comes back and picks up the fish. It slides out of his hands, smearing wet dirt onto him, and flops down, dirtying itself again, gapmouthed, goggle-eyed, hiding into the dust like it was ashamed of being dead, like it was in a hurry to get back hid again,” (Faulkner 31). Though as we know later on in the book that Vardaman is the main character bringing the fish throughout the story, when Vernon recognizes the fish attempting to conceal its death perhaps he subconsciously viewed Addie the same way. The fish is described as dirty, writhing, and dying all while Vardaman is unable to control it, just like he is unable to control his mother's impending death. The Tull’s are the undoubtable witnesses to the Bundren’s lives, so Vernon’s description of Vardaman attempting to handle the fish is perhaps his understanding of Vardaman’s comprehension of Addie’s death. 

Though Addie died a peaceful death, it is possible that Vardaman may not have completely understood that she wasn’t being graphically murdered. Once Vardaman had caught the fish he was told to go clean it up by his father, and when he was preparing the meat he had brutally butchered the flesh. Dewey Dell recalls later on in the story that she “saw Vardaman rise and go to the window and strike the knife into the fish, the blood gushing, hissing like steam but I could not see,” (Faulkner 121). The fish’s death, ever so gory and tragic, potentially correlated to the death of Addie, in which the cause of her death was hidden from the children just like Dewey Dell couldn’t see the fish dying after initially being stabbed. Even when Vardaman had not done the best job filleting the fish, he was still in control of the fish’s life and death, something that he would never have for Addie. After the fish’s death Vardaman spirals, realizing he is no longer in control of the life of the fish, and its lifeline is no longer. He reflets, finding that he “can feel where the fish was in the dust. It is cut up into pieces of not-fish now, not-blood on my hands and overalls. Then it wasn’t so. It hadn’t happened then. And now she is getting so far ahead I cannot catch her,” (Faulkner 53). The fish is swimming away, out of Vardaman’s grasp, just as Addie’s lifeline is also fading to a point of no return. This is a crucial turning point in which a reader can see a conscious association of the fish and Addie through Vardaman’s thoughts. 

After Vardaman mentally tethers his mother to a fish in the book, he continues to fall down a rabbit hole only acknowledging that his mother is a fish. Midway through the book, the chapter in which Vardaman simply states that his “mother is a fish,” (Faulkner 84). This is a repeated motif in which every time he comes down to a moment of stress or worry he states that his mother is fish, possibly in a place of comfort. In the next upcoming Vardaman chapter he brings it up once again, saying “But my mother is a fish,” (Faulkner 101). Eventually this connection becomes so intuitive for Vardaman that he begins to assume that the others around him also connect his mother to the fish. When Addie’s coffin fell into the river Vardaman insisted that Darl retrieve it. Afterward they got a hold on her, but during when chaos struck Vardaman, he affirmed that Darl “knew she is a fish but you let her get away. You never got her,” (Faulkner 151). To this point in the book Vardaman’s connection to this fish, that he no longer physically had with him, grows. The readers grow more familiar with his motif and likely also grow to associate Addie with a fish. As we finish the book, perhaps his acceptance of her death will be shown through how the fish’s own personal journey plays out. 

    Faulkner, William. As I Lay Dying. Vintage Books, 1900